Emily's Holiday Survival Guide
Rockin' round the deconstruction tree
You walk into the room. It smells like cinnamon, it sounds like a crackling fireplace, and the faces of the people you love smile warmly in your direction. You feel the warmth growing within you, building in intensity as you approach the crowd. It’s the season of generosity and love, and you are nervous with anticipation for these people to see you as you truly are. Mature, graceful, caring, well rounded. You grab a glass and toss your hair, as you prepare to make your greetings. Then you hear it.
“wHat ChurCh aRE yOu goinG tO noW?”
Uh oh.
I don’t regret my deconstruction journey, but it’s really hard to be the person I want to be during Thanksgiving and Christmas. Luckily, I’ve found there are a variety of ways that you can step into your power this holiday season.
Playing Defense
All too often, I see people getting defensive the moment their feathers are ruffled. There’s no need to get defensive, because you’ve done nothing wrong. The goal is to operate out of a place of belonging and confidence. That’s why I invented the Statement Scoville Scale. This is what I use in my head to gauge the kind of response I’m going to give.
Statement Scoville Scale
Mild 🌶
Someone is respectfully expressing care in the only way they know how. Although it may have religious undertones, you can sense genuine concern and love.
Example: “I’ve been praying for you, it really concerns me that you don’t have a church.”
Medium 🌶🌶
Someone is testing you. There is double meaning behind their question or statement, and the goal is to start a conversation or debate.
Example: “So, what do you even believe nowadays? Don’t you know how much you’re hurting *insert family member*?”
Hot 🌶🌶🌶
Someone has said something blatantly hurtful. They have clearly stepped over a line.
Example: “You’re going to the Bad Place. Satan clearly has a hold on you.”
Now, obviously there are a lot of factors, and only YOU know what is appropriate to say. But I hope if someone hits you with that spice, you’ll stand up for yourself and set a firm boundary. I thought this article described setting religious boundaries really well: 3 Simple Steps to Create Healthy Boundaries
Playing Offense
Your faith has evolved over the past year and you’ve learned so much that you’re practically a new person. You have no idea how you’re going to navigate the holidays without bringing it up.
When I was deconstructing, I felt like if I faked it with people I would be guilty of lying to them. If the idea of confiding in someone about your change in faith terrifies you, maybe they are not worthy of that information. Faking it around those people is not lying, it’s surviving.
However, I also understand if there are some things you can’t fake. I can’t go into a church service without having a panic attack, so family Christmas Eve service is off the table. If that’s the case for you, and you want to “come out” about your position and set some boundaries, I highly recommend doing it before the holidays via email or letter. Doing it this way gives each party time to process and avoid emotional outbursts.
Advice from the community
“My parents are very into the church candlelight service. My sister and I do not attend (to my parents’ chagrin), but we make a point to help prepare the family home for dinner while they are out as a substitute for our absence. It softens the blow and still allows us to show my parents love in the moment. My advice is to normalize your choices and take the drama out of them by trying to replace the “negative”with something they can see as loving or positive.”
- Scott
“It’s been helpful for me to establish my own traditions with my family that reflect our values. In the beginning it was little things, like no religious Christmas songs, and this year we’re not celebrating Thanksgiving at all, but instead we’re doing It’s Giving and letting it reflect the things we care about: indigenous people, women’s rights, board games with people we love, and new recipes.”
- Alli